Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
You Might Also Like
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
seems fine
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”