me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
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Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die