RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
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Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Bruh PLEASE
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will