Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
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I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!