Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
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Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.