“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
You Might Also Like
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.