The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
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6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
#Caturday