ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
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I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
For anyone who needs this today
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel