Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.