If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
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Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Employees must applaud the planets.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only