I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
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I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Are you a cat person or a person person?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Sunday
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
#oldknees
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again