painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
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Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
my first dose meeting my second
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Dietest Coke
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.