[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
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I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.