Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
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I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Well, that didn’t work.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!