A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
You Might Also Like
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
channeling her this year
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Day 2 of my diet
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.