My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
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4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now