“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
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Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I’d love this…lol
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby