My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
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8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.