if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I just love that new Pope smell.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”