hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
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Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma