3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
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I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.