I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
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Basketball games are very squeaky.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.