Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
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If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
A Short Story.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I’m sorry…what?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs