Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Worst Native American name ever.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please