Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?