Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
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*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”