nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
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Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Meeeee too!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.