I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
ok hear me out: Luigiana
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.