It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
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I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
My teenage children choosing violence
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”