Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
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My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team