My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.