A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
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I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site