Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.