guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
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I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP