[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
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interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials