Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
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my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Just got to our Airbnb!
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.