I hope Alan is OK
You Might Also Like
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
what the
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.