Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
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It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”