My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
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I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey