Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
How animals would run if they were human
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.