If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Breaking news:
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.