Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
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My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.