Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
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Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over