invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
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Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.