You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.