[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
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Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
The first matador
even bears disappoint their mothers
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Holy crap this is wonderful
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably