Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
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Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.