[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
True freaking story!
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Bros before Ohioes
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.