[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
You Might Also Like
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
My plans: 2020:
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
*launders Kohls cash*
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?