My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
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*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Worth a try
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent